Losses

It's been awhile since my last post. To be honest, I wasn't sure if I would blog again, since there are other social media outlets. However, with blogging, there remains a certain amount of anonymity. And I felt that I needed to vent somewhere.

I went to the hospital today to bid farewell to a patient. Someone I've seen for the last 11 years, when I first was asked to consult on him after his CABG. Who fought a valiant battle- but finally, in the last stages of renal failure, and battling a losing battle with wound infection after a below-knee amputation- is being transferred to hospice. 

"I'm ready to meet God. I'm ready to go Home", he tells me.

And so I went in to see him one last time, to tell him how privileged I am to have been involved in his care.

But this feels so familiar.

Truth be told, since this pandemic started, it seems like I've said goodbye to so many patients. So many. Many lost to COVID19. But others to cancer, renal failure, MIs. So many that my heart is just aching. Maybe I'm just sensitized to this. Or maybe I've been in practice long enough that I'm beginning to outlive my patients. But with every loss, it feels like I die a little. My heart cracks a little. My spirits wane a little. 

I'm tired.

So very tired.