An ex-girlfriend asked me that not very long ago. After she had yet another squabble with the new man in her life.
Feigning urinary incontinence makes it a bit more convincing. And don't forget to froth at your mouth. Have some alka-seltzer ready in wallet at all times for moments like this (kinda like how some jocks at college kept condoms in their wallets).
If she has even half a heart, she'll forget asking that question and move on. Hopefully that includes calling 911. And if some idiot bystander tries to jam a piece of wood into your mouth, remember to bite off his fingers for believing that stupid myth (Dear readers: If you ever see someone seizing, NEVER try to put anything into his mouth to prevent tongue-biting).
Anyway. In the realm of guy-talk, what exactly IS a high-maintenance woman anyway?
Loaded question. With very subjective and variable answers, most of which are probably very chauvinistic porcine views. And since I'll be mostly quoting others, I should be safe from offending women. Should I?
- Someone who does nothing but spends your money. Like I said, subjective. I have no problem having my significant other spend my money. In fact, I think that I would like to spoil and pamper her on occasion. But what people are referring to are probably women who carry a credit card in your name, who don't work, and yet use only G00-si (Gucci), Louis Vuitton and the like. You could fly to the moon and back every year, with the frequent flyer miles she chalks up on your credit card.
- I remember this girl I had my eyes on some years ago. She had the cutest smile. And so I asked her out and she said yes. But my alarm bells went nuts the minute she said, "And by the way, I eat only Spanish and Italian food." Nothing wrong, except she's Singaporean.
- And then, there's the woman who expects monthly flowers, to be given at their anniversaries. Again, I have nothing against gifts and surprises, but when someone starts expecting, that's when trouble begins. Conversely, some guys can be on the other end of the spectrum, not ever giving their partners even the smallest 'I care' surprise.
- But my personal definition of high-maintenance, is probably someone who isn't sure of herself and demands constant reassurance and company. And I mean constant. I once went out with a girl who constantly asked me to tell her she was beautiful. It wasn't, "Am I beautiful?" but rather, "Tell me I'm beautiful." And she was, but that wasn't the point. Maybe I'm way off base (which would explain my current status), but she didn't seem interested at all with "I don't care how you look, I love you anyway." And so, she was always insecure with other women around, especially if they were perceived to be better looking. And she was always trying on the nicest/sexiest clothes to outdo them. I burnt out in a hurry.
Anyway. That's just my view. Someday, I'll ask one of you ladies out there to educate the rest of us what a high-maintenance man is.
"By the way, do you think my biceps are big?"