The Day My Girlfriend Tried to Kill Me

"It was a sweltering day on the Amazon. The five gallant travellers knew of the dangers of the waters. Alligators, they were aware, roamed the waters. Suddenly, the 6-foot long starving reptile lashes out at the Gnats' boat, capsizing it. They fall into the water, helpless against the laws of physics. The heroic doctor ripped off his shirt to reveal his rippling muscles, and dove into the cold water to save Mr. and Mrs. Gnat. Despite the piranhas and alligators in the deep. All while his fair maiden watched from his boat."

Actually no. Their canoe hit a submerged log at an angle, capsizing it. I took off my shirt to expose the pale-skinned beer belly, and waded in waist high water to recover the floating oars and to help upright the canoe. The water was cold enough that the family jewels secured themselves deep in the titanium-alloy vault.

Otherwise, it was a fun though uneventful trip. My clothes had almost completely dried by the end of the 2 hour journey. I was thinking just as we were reaching the end point how lucky that my camera was still nice and dry. Since Kris sat in front, when the boat came up to the bank, she stepped off first to disembark. To help secure the canoe, she wanted to drag it further onto the bank. Naturally, I wasn't going to let my girlfriend pull the canoe up while I sat my big fat pimply ass on the backseat, so I got up to help.

And that was when she pulled.

And I promptly flipped over. Into the murky 3-foot deep water.

With my backpack.

And wallet.

And cellphone.

And camera.

And dry clothes.

I knew something was up when she had asked me earlier where I kept my spare car keys.

This was a crazy dog from a nearby campsite that kept jumping in and out of the river, around our canoes. Too much coffee, me thinks.

Not quite sure what this thing is. It swam across the river. A beaver?