Dear Santa

Dear Santa,

Before you finalize your list this year, I think it would be crucial for me to clarify some details with you, lest you are misinformed by your elves. Who knows how convoluted gossip can be.

• I wasn't winking at that blonde nurse the other day. I just had some err... eye irritation. A grain of sand in the eye. After all, who hasn't experienced a sandstorm in Minnesota?
• I did not imbibe all that whiskey and beer for the sheer pleasure of it. No, no, Santa, your (incompetent) elves misunderstand. I was merely sparing my friends from the evils of ethanol. Kids shouldn't be left alone with these things.
• I swear, there was a tarantula on that lady's der·ri·ère. Why else would one brush it? Those elves! Always so quick to jump to conclusions!
• That officer was mistaken. I wasn't driving at 110 mph. It was 10 mph! But me, I didn't want to hurt his feelings pointing that out, that he may need a new pair of glasses. In any event, I was rushing to the hospital to treat an emergency case that I, and only I, knew what to do. Countless families were saved from the TahilalattehOkurangmanisitis Disease. But, it was a team effort (my nurses did help) so I hesitate to take credit for it.
• I really did wash my hands after using the toilet that day for a Number Two. And contrary to the accusations of that nurse, was NOT eating a coney dog and reading Maxim when I was in there.
• I have no idea what happened to all that chocolate ice-cream in the freezer. However, I recall having read about the association between UFO sightings and the mysterious disappearances of frozen desserts.
• I never lie. Not, sir, not me. Ever. Not even if my life depended on it.

Therefore, Santa, I hope you, in all your wisdom, do not get fooled by these malicious lies that were obviously made up by people envious of I. But, being as forgiving as I am, will not hold it against them that they look like chickenshit while I've been mistaken for Michaelangelo's David. After all, who can blame them? It's hard to not envy perfection.

So, Santa, I hope you take all this into consideration when you plan your list. And remember, I'm wanting that BLACK iPod nano. And my thong size is 30.