Thursday, September 28, 2006

Oh woe is me...

I've come to a few conclusions about orthodontics.
One, only stupid people wear braces.
Really (okay, I'm being facetious here).
After all, why else would you commit to a year or two of having your teeth wired up with metal that would probably set off the metal detectors at the airport? They are the vain and gullible people who believe that lie that teeth should be straight.
I say no.
Maybe, just maybe, we were meant to have crooked teeth. Individualized. Something that makes us unique. You know, like fingerprints. I'm thinking this now as I'm finding out that most of my friends here had braces at one time in their lives. Now doesn't that make you wonder? If more people than not have crooked teeth, perhaps we were meant to be that way?
Maybe God wanted us to have a way of identifying each other, if say, we commit a murder by biting someone to death. By making a match of the bite marks on the victim's ass to our dental records.
But now, thanks to Man's ingenuity and vanity, that's all ruined.
CSI Grissom: "What the hey? Here's ANOTHER suspect with matching teeth! What on God's green Earth is going on??"

Though to have our teethprints on our Malaysian ICs we'd have to carry wallets the size of Reader's Digest. And I imagine the airports would be a prime source of hepatitis A and rabies transmission, if all international passengers were to have their teethprints checked at immigration.
Two, I think I've figured out how braces improve one's looks. By making them look so shit-ugly for so long that people get used to it, that when they're taken off, suddenly they're looking like Pierce Brosnan, only younger. Even though they have the same ugly mug. Akin to how your eyes adjust to a dark room, and when you step out, you're suddenly blinded by glorious light. Even if it's just a view of the local garbage dump. Plus, you lose weight because of that liquid diet you're on for the next 2 years (unless of course liquid diet means Bud and Heineken and JD). After all, who'd wanna spend 3 minutes having a solid meal and 30 minutes cleaning the dang corn off the wires? Thank goodness though for silly Caucasian girlfriends with bad eyes who think you look like Jet Li, and for mothers. Then again, when my mom found out, the first thing she did was laugh. No wait, guffaw is more accurate a description. And the second was to say that I was vain. So much for the 'face only a mother could love'. That bumper sticker I saw comes to mind:
Be nice to your kids. They pick your nursing homes.
Just kidding, mom!
Oh well. Thus is the price of vanity.

Apologies to Coolcat and other Grissom fans...