Thursday, September 07, 2006

Medical Research

Ever notice how the big medical studies all have catchy names?
AWESOME- Angina with Extremely Serious Operative Mortality Evaluation.
CURE- Clopidogrel in Unstable angina to prevent Recurrent Events.
HOPE trial.

No wonder the patients get blown away by medical research. Really. So long as the studies have a great name, the healthcare implications and the results don't really matter. Kinda like how someone with a name like Tom Cruise or Bill Clinton Brad Pitt would be destined for wealth, fame and having nubile young things throw themselves at you (after they throw their clothes off first, of course). Even if you looked like GĂ©rard Depardieu.
Conversely, if your folks were high on sniffing glue and named you Bibimbap-KokKokKai, you're screwed for life even if you look like a Greek God and are hung like a baby's arm. Even driving a Mercedes SLK isn't gonna go anything except bring attention to the fact that you're pathetic and can't get laid by anyone but ugly ah-kuas with big hairy arms.
And, as we all know, doctors aren't too smart when it comes to remembering things, especially elderly doctors over 30 years of age, so it helps to have a study name that stands out.

I mean, why is it that you never see a study like:
Do CUp sizes correlate with back PainS (D-CUPS) study?
Lack Of Sleep and medical ERrors (LOSER) study?
Or the Loperamide Antidiarrheal Utility in Southeast Asian food Intake (LAUSAI ) study to see if these things can take on our mamak-food induced food poisoning.
Or the Porsches Help Lonely Endocrinologists Get Married (PHLEGM) trial? That could be an interesting prospective randomized placebo-controlled trial to study the effects of having a sports car on attracting women (study to be jointly funded by EHarmony and Porsche). We could use the Kenari for the placebo arm.
The names ain't catchy enough, and so will never be published. In fact, I doubt the IRB would even approve of these. Doesn't matter if code of ethics are breached or not... if the name doesn't look good, it's on to the chopping board.
Someday, I'd like to see someone use DUMBASS or PANGSAI as their study name. Any takers?