Fatigued

I'm tired.

I'm sure I'm not the only one. This pandemic has been going on for some time. 490,000 deaths and counting in the USA. Our lives currently unrecognizable- after all, who would have thought 2 years ago that we'd be living in a world where we are all masked; that as social as humans are, that we are asked to socially distance ourselves from friends and loved ones; that many have lost their livelihoods and are in financial ruin. I miss my parents and siblings, and it terrifies me that they are so far away and there is no way for me to reach them if a need arose.

Personally, I've lost at least 10 patients I know of to COVID19; these are only the ones I am aware of, when their family members call to update me and to explain why they are cancelling their next visit. Just yesterday, I wrote another condolence card to the family of another patient who died from COVID complications; on the very same day, I saw another patient- a man I have known for 8 years and have come to enjoy his visits- who tells me COVID is not real, and the numbers are made up. That he wore a mask only because the clinic requires it. My soul feels torn, battered, and lost. There are times when I question the goodness of humanity, and whether we deserve to be saved from this pandemic. I wonder how as a society we have evolved into this ugly community with so much disdain and lacking so much in decency.

COVID fatigue is real. And I'm not even someone on the frontlines treating COVID patients. I'm just on the sidelines- treating patients, and unfortunately higher risk patients since most of my patients have diabetes and many are elderly- but I can only imagine how my critical care, infectious disease and hospitalist colleagues must feel.

Times like this, I can only look to the kindness that sometimes shines through the darkness. Seeing random acts of kindness and selflessness. Being reminded of the unconditional love my kids and wife shower me with. And remembering that humans, fortunately enough, have a habit of being stubborn and not giving up easily, that science and ingenuity will (probably) eventually win.

The numbers are still climbing. But with the vaccination programs being implemented in stages worldwide, let's hope and pray that this nightmare will come to an end soon.