As much as I'd like to think that I'm being a great parent to Alli, I've realized that there is a reason there are mothers in this world: To keep the fathers out of trouble.
Situation: Baby drooling all over her face
Kristin: Goes upstairs to the baby room, gets a hanky, brings it down and gently wipes off the copious amounts of saliva.
Me: Picks up my dirty T-shirt from the couch, the same one I wore to the gym yesterday, and nimbly dries her face (while hoping my wife didn't catch me doing it).
Situation: Baby lets out a few loud farts
Kristin: Pulls the baby's pants and diaper aside to check if she did a number 2
Me: Picks baby up and sniffs her butt. If it doesn't smell, it's all good
Situation: Baby needs a diaper change
Kristin: Puts the baby on the changing pad, removes her PJs, takes off the dirty diaper, wipes her down, tosses the dirty diaper into the bin
Me: Puts the baby on the floor, does a quick switcheroo, and forgetfully leaves the dirty diaper on the floor, where the dogs proceed to shred it
Situation: Baby has a damp diaper
Kristin: Changes the diaper at regular intervals
Me: "Diapers are absorbent for a reason!"
Situation: Dressing Allison up for daycare
Kristin: "She needs to look pretty...". And so her pink top matches her pink bottoms, and she gets to wear a hat to stay warm
Me: Allison goes to daycare in a brown shirt and purple pants that is worn front to back, that she wore yesterday as well.
Situation: Allison needs soothing
Kristin: Rocks and sings her to sleep with her limitless lullabies
Me: Twinkle twinkle little star. Repeat 80x until baby is unconscious
Situation: Babe picking up her toy from the floor and puts it in her mouth
Kristin: Grabs it from her, rinses it in water before handing it back to her
Me: "Exposing her to contaminants is good for her immune system..."
As much as I'd like to think I'm this independent, metrosexual Dr. Dad, I'm glad my wife is here to keep an eye on me. Something tells me I'm not winning the Father of the Year Award!