Ramblings of a Family Man to be

I have to say the last couple of years have seen me go through some personal changes. And I wouldn't dare use the word 'maturing' lest some of you who know me personally laugh yourselves to death.

It's probably a combination of factors. A role reversal between parents and I in that I'm at that stage when I am worry more about them than they do of me. Of being married and no longer having the 'luxury' of being a selfish bastard. And now, having the proverbial 'bun in the oven' and the impending fatherhood.

I was mentioning this to Kristin the other day. Years ago, I would have thought nothing of something like life insurance. I mean, I was broke and trying to save up. Why would I pay hundreds of dollars for life insurance in case I died? I mean, if I get run over by a truck, why does it matter to me then that the insurance company pays a million bucks to kin?(again, the self-centered bachelor thinking then).

But now though, it's all different. From the financial side of things, we are doing okay, but I do worry about Kristin and our baby should anything happen to me. I am more fearful of flying back to Malaysia alone without at least the security of knowing my family would be OK should the wing fall off. I worry about whether they can handle the mortgage. Her school tuition (she has another year in her MSc program). I worry about the kid's schooling, and even college. And so, we finally took the big step and got ourselves life insurance policies (by the way if they find me dead at home under mysterious circumstances, the wife did it!). It's something that I couldn't see myself do years ago. But now it seems right.

From the developmental standpoint too, I worry (sometimes) about the baby and how he/she is growing. And I was even more fearful after that episode with my two patients. I wonder what kind of parent I will be, what kind of parents we will be. I worry if I will be even half as good a father as my dad is. I wonder if I'll be able to pass on the little pearls of wisdow, the stories, our heritage from mom, dad and grandpa, of our culture and little qwerky Malaysian traditions.

Yup, this seems to be a totally new chapter in my life. And probably the one right before the other chapter called "Mid Life Crisis".